“The worst people you know are delighted at your horror, because it means their intimidation is working”
I heard that a bit ago, and I keep turning it over in my head.
If you’re new here, it’s best to know now that I’m not a person that tends to shoot from the hip when shit happens. I like to take my time, absorb it, and really think about whether I have anything of value to add to the conversation. There is so much noise these days that it can feel indulgent to take one’s time, to think, but I cant help how I am. Don’t get me mistaken, this is not to say I am not horrified (I am) or that I don’t have visceral feelings (I most definitely do). It’s a delicate balance to walk the thin line between feeling enough to remain human and preserving enough sanity to remain an effective member of your family/community/etc. To be honest, more often than not these days it feels like I’m walking that line after six double g&ts, but I digress.
Getting back to that quote: on the surface it can sound a bit cold, as if to say we’re showing weakness by feeling, but I think that misses the crucial point. Absolutely, without question, you should be horrified. That is the healthy reaction, but under it, I know when the horror passes, I will be left with the rage. If this last year has taught me nothing else, it’s that rage is going to be what stokes the furnace that keeps me going. It’s the rage I’ll refine into the indomitable will to not be conquered. That I’ll use to keep loving and trying to hope for better when all evidence suggests that is foolish.
There is time for that rage, tomorrow. Let the worst people think they have won today because we have a natural and healthy reaction to senseless hatred and violence – what do I care? They already think we are weak and easily cowed – let them. They know not the steel we have in our bones, ever-strengthened by the fire of our anger.
I am going to sit with it a while longer, the horror. Not just to honor the life lost so senselessly, but to honor myself, my own humanity. Tomorrow I am going to get back to the business of being the best human being I can be, quite frankly because I dont know how else I can fight this shit. I just know the most important thing for me to do is to preserve the part that is horrified. May I never become so desensitized to this shit that am not.
