So come on with the darkness
Come on with the fear
Cause I’ve got to start somewhere
And it might as well be here”

– “PARKING LOT,” MINERAL

…at that moment, I realized I wanted to live, even though I knew not how.
 In order to find out, I first had to die.

Becoming oneself is a journey without a map. Everyone’s story is a bit different but it often starts at a point where the pain of standing still is greater than the fear of the unknown – as it was for me. Ten years ago, I found myself at a crossroads. Tentatively emerging from the worst period of my life – which itself was the culmination of a lifetime of unprocessed trauma – every idea I had about myself and my life was scrubbed away. I stood at the precipice with no idea who I was or where I was going, the terrifying expanse of days before me unwritten.

The next years were an experiment in self. Through a labyrinth of missteps and false starts, a newfound strength and sense of purpose began to take shape. During this time, I began the never-ending process of self-acceptance and discovery, every year coming closer to that ever-evolving idea of who I am and could be. Along the way, I had to put many self-destructive behaviors and toxic self-belief systems to rest, in order to come back – brilliant and shining – with my true potential.

In this piece I invite you to the graveyard of this journey, pulled forward into the forced perspective and past the things I had to overcome, to the finality of my death. That, however, is not the end! The doors of my tomb are thrown open, the light of my truth shining forth in the golden light of hope and possibility.

Achieving this effect took a great deal of planning. After my first concept sketches, I took a lot of measurements and drew a number of diagrams to plan the dimensions of the space and objects within it. Once I had those in-hand, I began to build the head stones out of styrofoam and drew out the paper that would face every side of the shapes. Nearly everything in this composition is a complex shape, and the graduating size of the stones dictated that each individual piece had to be separately designed and carved. In order to stay true to the perspective and check my work along the way, I built two scale models of the vanishing point (from the side and top-down) far larger than the finished piece. 

All of the elements in this piece have textured paint effects achieved with a combination of watercolor gradients, colored pencil shading, gouache both sponged and spattered, and fine detail in metallic gold. During construction, each piece of paper was first mounted to a foil-covered board to ensure it would be perfectly flat for final assembly.

Although laborious, I am pleased with the final result. I hope you will see yourself in this trip to my graveyard, and congratulate yourself for all of the things you too have put to rest to be who you are.